Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
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My birthstone is a marshmallow
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I love the National Park Service.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it