ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
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[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
There are usually two types of merchants.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.