mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
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doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
🤣🤣🤣
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right