this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”