[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
The happy life.. 😊
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does