Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
The fall of Netflix
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on