Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
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My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.