We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
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me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak