People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
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My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
man: wait
time: no
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!