To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
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I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Watermelon Boss!
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.