If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
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[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.