Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
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I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
no one ever comes back
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it