I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
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If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
No regrets in 2018
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.