[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
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I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.