my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
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Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead