Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I’m sorry…what?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?