I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
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An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics