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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY