if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I think the cat got the dog high.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons