Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
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My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
i could never be president. im overqualified.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power