Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
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One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I bet birds love this building.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Print is alive and well!!!
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.