When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
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Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Lol.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.