shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
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First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*