[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
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No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Best table by far
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing