My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
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Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
hmmm
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks