If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
You Might Also Like
termite twitter scares me
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
how many bears make up a bear minimum
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I was bored.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.