Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
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Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”