Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
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*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.