Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
You Might Also Like
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
meanwhile over on facebook
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*