EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
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jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
just gave your address to some spiders
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Catercrombie & Fish
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!