Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
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Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.