I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t