I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
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Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.