I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
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Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.