Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
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Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
From my Mom
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.