Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
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A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
These 3D printers are insane!
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
the last thing a carrot sees
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.