*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On