Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
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[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
and now we wait
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.