me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?