my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
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2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
181.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Customize Your Wedding.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons