Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
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Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.