Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
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My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
dam girl
how high up are we talkin’?
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
We have a winner.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket