Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
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*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?