PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
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I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom