My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
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Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I’m crying im so happy for them
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
FRED: right
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed