4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
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Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Put the is in disheveled
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.