No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
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From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.