*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
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Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
It’s the weekend y’all
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab