coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
You Might Also Like
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!