Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
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Succinctly put.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
guys I’m going home
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken